Top and skirt: ModCloth (old)
Yellow belt: Forever 21 (old)
Daisy brooch: Mom's
Shoes: BAIT Footwear
It's taken a while for me to be able to write this post. If you are a regular follower of my blog, you might have noticed that things have been pretty quiet here during the last week or so. I've never wanted to be someone who airs her dirty laundry on a public forum, nor do I want my posts to come off as whining or ranting. I usually like to keep my blog a positive place. However, I can't pretend that I'm anything close to "okay" or "normal" right now. I don't think I necessarily need to apologize for my absence on my blog, given the circumstances, but I do want to provide a little bit of an explanation, even if it's just for my own selfish, cathartic purposes.
If you've been following me for a while, you might remember that my boyfriend, Steven, moved up to Rochester in June. We'd been in a long-distance relationship for almost the entire time we'd been together (just shy of 3 years), in some capacity or another. I had originally planned to move down to the Westchester area, where he is from, but I wasn't financially or emotionally prepared to go back down to the New York area at that time. So he packed up his life and moved up here to be with me.
Last Thursday, Steven told me he was moving back home, and that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That he wasn't happy anymore. That he wasn't in love with me anymore. This is, by far, one of the most painful things I have ever known, in part because I was completely blindsided. I've experienced a lot of heartbreak before, but this will probably be the worst of my lifetime. To be honest, I hope that it is, because I can't even fathom anything worse. I know that his heart is broken too -- he kept hoping that this wasn't truly how he was feeling, but he finally had to come to terms with it. I keep thinking about all the things I could have or should have done differently, but even he said that every decision I made was right for me at that time, and that I couldn't have changed anything. But it's extremely hard for me not to feel like it's all my fault.
|I took these photos just hours before he told me it was over. The irony of the heart-shaped details is not lost on me. |
He may have broken my heart, but my dark sense of humor is still intact.
I had always believed that Steven was my soulmate. We had much of our future planned out, and I think that's what I'm mourning the most. I couldn't -- and still can't -- imagine my life without him by my side. There are emotional land mines everywhere I turn. Every time I think I'm doing okay, I'll think of something else that we both loved or that we planned to do or of a beautiful memory that we shared, and I'm back in hysterics. I think it's going to take a very long time before I feel like myself again. When this first happened, I didn't want to act, didn't want to sing, didn't want to blog or eat or laugh or do anything that I usually love. It all felt meaningless if I didn't have him in my life. Though I am still struggling with feeling this way, I am starting to feel better -- better than I predicted I would at this point. I went to an audition on Monday, and I started feeling like myself again (though it all came crashing down on Tuesday, which was a rough day). I think this is something I'm just going to have to struggle with for a while; there's no way around it. It's just going to take time.
As a result, my posting may become a little more sporadic. Since I'm going to be throwing myself into rehearsals and shows within the next month, this might have happened anyway, but my circumstances have changed so drastically in such a short amount of time, and I feel it's important for me to not feel pressure to blog if I simply don't feel up to it. I just hope that this post doesn't drive anyone away. I wanted to be honest and not gloss over the heartache I'm experiencing for the sake of maintaining some kind of impossibly-positive little blog world. I've already received so many kind comments through text, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram about this, and they have meant more to me than you can imagine. There's nothing anyone can say to take away this heartache, but knowing that there are people who care enough to reach out makes all the difference.
Although I am not really religious in any way, I've still taken some solace in thinking that if he and I are meant to be in each other's lives, we will be. I will always love him deeply. I only wish he still felt the same way I do.
Thank you for listening.